The Marriage Quest Philosophy

The 4 Pillars Of Our Couples Therapy

Marriage Quest Therapy was developed in 1995 by Dr Israel and Cathie Helfand when they started leading marathon couples therapy programs for one couple at a time. They quickly noticed the effectiveness of this intensive format combined with teaching communication and self regulation skills. This became the foundation of their process with couples, and eventually the guiding principles behind the Marriage Quest Process.

Communication

Effective communication should help you feel more connected, avoid triggering each other, and generally break the negative cycles of couples communication and interaction by learning the skills to reconnect and find peace in your house.

The goal of therapy should be to not need therapy in the future. In order for you and your partner to either have a successful relationship or make a decision about your marriage, you will have to learn communication skills. In our experience, many other therapists teach some of these skills, but they do not either provide the full picture or hold the couple accountable to the process during session.

During our sessions, we are going to hold you accountable and guide you through a conversation that is kind, authentic, and effective to help you move your relationship in a positive direction. Many couples question their compatibility, but the truth is they are just stuck in negative patterns.

Self-Regulation

Applying the skills from your retreat will require the ability to identify and manage your triggers so you can stay present and kind with your partner.

We look for your personal-relationship challenges, and teach you ways to deal with them specifically. We help you to take things less personally, and learn to respectfully stand on your own two feet, which in turn strengthens the relationship and even reduces personal anxiety and depressed feelings.

Good Sex

Couples with higher marital satisfaction almost always have a good sex life, and improving your sex life often leads to improvements in almost every other area of the relationship.

There is a wide range of normal in a healthy sex life. Sexual satisfaction is one of the best predictors of long term marital satisfaction, and the path to get there can be bi-directional: some partners need to like each other before jumping in bed, and others feel closer to their partner after a great sexual encounter.

We can help you and your partner co-create your ideal sex life or adapt based on life stressors such as careers, kids, and aging bodies. It’s starts by identifying what you want your sex life to look like, having an open conversation with your partner, and then making sure both of you prioritize each other.

Intensive Retreat

A marriage intensive is worth more than 6-12 months of weekly therapy because of the continued momentum and efficiency of the process.

Most couples that attend an intensive couples retreat have either been discouraged by the slow process of traditional therapy, or they just want to quickly stop the suffering in their marriage. A three day marriage retreat is equivalent to about 6-12 months of high quality weekly couples therapy.

If you want to make faster progress, get an answer about staying together, or limit the impact of your stress on your kids and other family members, a marriage retreat is the best option. Marriage Quest Therapy was specifically designed to address the needs of a couple in a very short period of time while providing lasting results.

"When marriage is done right, you get to heal your childhood wounds through the marital relationship." - MQ philosophy from Dr Israel Helfand

The Empirical Foundations Of Marriage Quest Therapy

Our Philosophical Orientation is based on the work of many teachers, trainers, and mentors over the years, and is enhanced by our own marriage and life experiences. Predominantly we draw from Family Systems Therapy of Virginia Satir, Differentiation concepts from Murray Bowen, Rational Emotive (Behavioral)Therapy from Albert Ellis, Relationship Enhancement from Bernard Gurney and Barry Ginsberg, Psychodrama from J. L. Moreno, Gestalt Techniques from Fritz Perls, and co-dependency work of Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.

We support each individual in understanding their true thoughts and feelings, heal unresolved issues of the past, and create a safe space to discuss the current problems. Our goal is to help you through the crisis at hand, understand how your past wounds influence your life today, and give you a lifetime’s worth of personal and interpersonal skills.

Relationship Enhancement

Relationship Enhancement’s emphasis on couples communication is the basis for the Marriage Quest Therapy Process. The paradox is when couples let their guard down and go deeper into their thoughts and feelings. They often become closer even if their thoughts and feelings are filled with hurt and disappointment. This can be the beginning of the rekindling of the marriage, or the realization of an impending separation. Either way it is a success in the integrity of both individuals and of the family system.

Solution Focused

There are three potential outcomes from your retreat: you can keep the status quo, decide to make positive changes to better your marriage, or you can plan for a separation. Most couples are frustrated with the status quo, but their style of communication keeps them suspended in this state. we will focus on repairing your marriage as step one. If marital repair seems unlikely, we will help you discuss a trial separation so that no matter what you and your partner will leave the retreat on a better path for your long term relationship. This is especially important if you both have kids.

Psychodrama

Psychodrama is an experiential process that helps you heal from past traumas and get unstuck from old patterns in your life. We often use psychodramatic tools such as doubling or role playing, the empty chair, inner child work, role reversal, integrated parts work, continuums, sociometry, and re-parenting. Great therapy should combine skill based education with experiential exercises in sessions to maximize your success. For example, watching your spouse move through a trauma often creates a deeper sense of connection and understanding within the couple. Using these exercises during a marriage retreat will help you identify and resolve past traumas and improve your current communication all while being guided along the way.

Neuroscience

You will get better at what you practice. This is how your brain learns, and unfortunately many couples become experts at arguing, avoiding, or triggering each other. Every time you activate a pathway in your brain, it becomes stronger. This is why the focus during a marriage quest retreat is to have the couple talk to each other while the therapist coaches and guides them. Having successful communication in the office will lead to better outcomes at home.

Systems Theory

As marriage therapists, one of our primary goals is to maintain the health of the entire household. Many therapy approaches attempt to address relationship issues (i.e. marriage, parent/child dynamics, etc) by only bringing one person into therapy. This is often counter productive to achieving your relationship goals. If your marriage needs help, your marriage needs to be in therapy, which requires all partners be present. Our job is to empower you to define your relationship. Unlike other programs, we advocate for the marriage but not at any price. We believe that people have the right to be happy and that the most important issue developmentally for children is to have happy parents whether they remain married, or decide to separate.

Cognitive Behavioral

You are not your thoughts, and thoughts are not facts, but thoughts can change behaviors. Many spouses make inaccurate assumptions about their partner’s state of mind or intention. Miscommunication often happens when people just simply have different interpretations of a situation or word that was used. Learning how to clearly express your thoughts is necessary for a healthy relationship. Similarly, backing up your ideas with thoughtful action will create a deeper connection and a feeling that you and your partner are on the same team.

Turning Philosophy Into Action

Our process is two fold: teach you the process of effective couples communication, while we analyze your process and nudge the conversation to be more meaningful and connective. The marriage retreat is where we turn our philosophy into action to help your relationship.