Dear Dr. Janie,
I love my husband, but I have an issue – I can’t orgasm during sex. Funny thing is I often orgasm during our foreplay or even when I’m exploring myself, so I know my body works just fine. But when we have intercourse, no matter what I do, an orgasm won’t happen. My husband feels hurt and thinks I’m not attracted to him, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. What’s wrong with me?
Orgasm-less in Boston
Dear Orgasm-less,
First, let’s clear something up – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re actually in good company. Studies have found that only 18% of women orgasm from penetration alone, regardless of age. It’s a matter of anatomy and how most women’s bodies work.
Penetration is great for stimulating men to climax, but for women it’s a different story. Most positions during intercourse don’t offer the kind of direct clitoral stimulation to reach the big O. Think of the clitoris as the MVP for orgasms—that’s where the most sensitive nerve endings for providing pleasure are, not the vagina.
Movies and porn often paint a misleading picture where women scream in ecstasy just seconds after penetration. Reality is far more nuanced. Women’s bodies are not anatomically structured for intercourse to provide the level of clitoral stimulation necessary for an orgasm. This mismatch creates what experts call the orgasm gap—almost all men climax from PIV (penis-in-vagina) intercourse, while only about one in five women do.
So, let’s flip the script on what we define as “sex,” especially at this stage of life. We tend to treat foreplay – manual or oral stimulation – as just the warm act for intercourse. But why not make that the main event? These activities are way more likely to lead to orgasms for women, so it’s time to give them the spotlight they deserve.
Reassure your husband that this isn’t about his attractiveness or your connection. It’s simply how the female body works. Encourage him to explore a more “clitoral-focused” approach to intimacy that prioritizes your pleasure. And don’t shy away from incorporating a vibrating sex toy into your play. Many older couples find that sex toys can help bridge the gap between anatomy and pleasure, adding new layers of stimulation and fun.
Remember, intimacy at this stage of life is about rediscovery and adaptability. The best sexual experiences are about connecting, exploring, and making pleasure the priority. Communicate openly with your husband, embrace the changes that come with age, and enjoy closing that orgasm gap together.
Dr. Janie
(Featured Image: Canva)
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of a licensed medical professional for any health-related concerns or questions.
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