Ever wonder where your orgasms went, now that you’re older? Do you worry they’ve
disappeared from your life forever, like reading without bifocals or wearing high heels?
Women’s bodies change with menopause and consequently your sexual health can be
affected. This is completely normal, but being orgasm-free doesn’t have to be your new
normal. At our age, having an orgasm may require a few new tricks to assist your
(mature) vagina, but it’s completely within reach (of the nightstand drawer).
What is Happening Physically?
As we age, the walls of the vagina begin to thin and natural lubrication decreases. The
combination of these two physical changes can lead to sexual pain, genital irritation,
and reduced arousal and orgasm -- not a very fun sexual experience, solo or partnered.
Instead of disappointment or, heaven forbid, giving up on sex, it’s time to adjust and
adapt both how you think and what you do sexually.
Six Tips for Getting Older and Orgasms
TIP #1: The first tip deals with your biggest sex organ – your brain. You need to rethink
“What is sex?” We’ve been conditioned through movies, ads, and culture to believe a
fulfilling sexual experience means a hard penis in a lubricated vagina. That’s a limited
definition and doesn’t reflect the reality for most older adults. An unpredictable penis, a
dry vagina, no partner, or a same sex partner requires some rethinking, and a wider
definition of what sex is. Studies find that with age, partnered sex tends to become less
focused on penetration performance and more on building intimacy. (Link) Cuddling,
touching, kissing, oral sex and other sex play take center stage, and can lead to
orgasm. As Dr. Pebble Kranz noted on Medscape, these sexual adaptations due to
physiologic changes with age can mean more attention to female pleasure and that is
good news for older women!
fiction promoted by movies and our culture. The reality is most women do not have an
orgasm through intercourse alone and need genital stimulation A study in the Journal of
Sex and Marital Therapy found 36% of women need clitoral stimulation during
intercourse and another 36% said it enhanced their orgasms. Only 18% of women said
vaginal penetration alone was sufficient to orgasm. Add an older body to this mix and an
orgasm through penetration is highly unlikely.
toys). In my recent study of 550 people over age 60, only 42% used lubrication and a
meager 27% used sex toys. The good news is 53% said they don’t use sex toys, but
would like to. Adding these two changes to your sex repertoire can make all the
difference for frequent orgasms.
A high-quality lubricant can increase arousal, pleasure, and comfort. You can find
lubricants readily available online and in stores, but always check for healthy, hydrating
ingredients before purchasing. (Come back for future blogs on how to choose a lube
and recommendations for age sensitive products.) Vibrators and other sexual tools
come in all types and sizes and too can be purchased online and in stores ranging from
Target and Walmart to Nordstroms and Neiman Marcus. Again, check for quality and
nontoxic materials to prevent irritation to your delicate skin. Sexual toys, like a vibrator,
can promote blood flow and provide stimulation of the clitoris that most women,
especially older women, require for an orgasm. Sex toys can be used in both partnered
and solo sexual activities. (Future blogs will address what to consider in selecting a sex
toy like rechargeable vs. corded, large function buttons for arthritic hands, and sufficient,
but not overpowering, speed.) Don’t be surprised if lube and sex toys become your new
BFFs.
TIP #4: A lower libido is another typical change for women after menopause. Gone are
the days of hormonal driven spontaneous desire and lust. But all is not lost as
responsive desire takes its place. One of the best remedies for increasing sexual desire
is more sex, partnered or solo! Plan a sex date with your partner or with yourself and
create a relaxing, soothing atmosphere of candles, music, or whatever puts you in the
mood. Once you ease into your sexual play, you will find responsive desire stimulates
your libido. For more on spontaneous versus responsive desire, check out “Come as
You Are” by Emily Nagoski.
TIP #5: Patience and more time are key with nearly everything as we get older. I’m sure
you’ve recognized that a lot of the things you used to quickly do, now take far more time
to accomplish. What you used to do in 10 minutes, now takes at least half an hour.
Sexual activity and orgasms are no different. They also take more time and need a
healthy dose of patience. Your body needs a little more time to rev up and you and/or
your partner have to be patient in getting your motor running.
Tip #6: Lastly, other medical conditions and medications can affect your sexual
experiences. You should talk to your healthcare provider about medical treatments to
address any sexual problems or issues. Know it’s up to you to raise your sexual health
and concerns since only 17% of older adults talked to their doctor about sex in the last
two years and about 70% of those conversations were initiated by the older patient.
A satisfying sexual experience, no matter if partnered or solo, promotes positive
physical and emotional benefits including better cognitive functioning and quality of life.
Remember, sex can be exciting and fun at any age!
(Feature Image: Pexels)
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